Five Things You Should NEVER Say To LGBTQIA+ Parents

Two things have unfortunately angered us over the last few weeks or so. First of all, someone in the family decided to share the news that Alex and I are expecting before we had a chance to tell extended family and friends. The second? Responses we’ve had all because we’re LGBTQIA+ parents to be on top of the fact that I’m disabled and pregnant. There are just things you NEVER say to disabled parents (see blog post on that here), and there are also things you NEVER say to LGBTQIA+ parents! The following list is not exhaustive, but these are all things that we’ve had to listen to from various narrow-minded people since a particular family member outed our news (which you don’t do. Period.)

1. Asking how we’ve had kids

Tip – none of your business! Fact is, there are many ways to have children. Families are created in many different ways, come in all sizes, and no two families are ever the same. Whether someone adopted, used a donor, had a surrogate pregnancy etc., is none of your business, and the intrusive questions aren’t welcome, nor is the calling out from such narrow mindedness.

2. Asking who the real parents are 

We are. End of conversation.

The fact that people even ask us this question gets to me, especially as it’s often asked at the same time people question how we’re having our child. People see parenthood as a very biological thing, but that will never be the case. It takes more than biology and being a donor to be a parent.

3. Asking if our children are or will be LGBTQIA+

We are not mind readers. We don’t have crystal balls, and we can’t see into the future. We can’t tell if our child will be LGBTQIA+ themselves, and guess what? It doesn’t matter, and it’s none of your business whether they are or not! After all, it’s not a choice. Right now, all that matters to us is that our child grows up to be happy, well-rounded, respectful, and as healthy as possible. No matter who they are, they’ll always be loved and accepted because they’re ours.

4. Assuming that our children will get bullied for having LGBTQIA+ parents

Just stop right there. Firstly, I like to think children today are more tolerant and accepting of each other compared to when Alex and I were in school. Also, when we were in school, LGBTQIA+ issues weren’t talked about, something that is now thanks to a requirement for schools to provide LGBT-inclusive education. I’m pleased about this, as it’s something Alex and I didn’t get taught at school, partly because of Section 28, which was finally repealed in England on 18th November 2003 when we were both in primary school. To assume that our child will be bullied just for having LGBTQIA+ parents is hurtful and something we’re hoping won’t happen.

5. Commenting that our children will miss out because of us

Miss out on what exactly? Our child will have everything they need to ensure they aren’t missing out on anything. Saying that they’ll miss out simply because of who Alex and I are is entirely disrespectful. You wouldn’t want anyone questioning your parenting ability or how you plan to bring your child up, so why would you question ours?

As I said initially, this list isn’t exhaustive, but it gives a little bit of insight into what we have to deal with, just because some can’t keep their noses out of our business. Even if it’s under the guise of being inquisitive, it’s not on.

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Our High-Risk Pregnancy So Far

From the moment that positive test result shows, you imagine what the little miracle growing inside you will look like, what they’ll be like, their hobbies and interests, which parent they will be closest to etc. But what if you have a high-risk pregnancy?

Around 8% of all pregnancies are considered high risk. Most will have heard about gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia. But some pre-existing medical conditions can get you placed in the high-risk category from the moment your GP or hospital are informed about your pregnancy! Luckily, I knew I’d be high-risk before I even got pregnant. However, for those who don’t expect to be told that they have risk factors at their booking appointment, the news can come as a huge shock.

So what should you expect if you have a high-risk pregnancy? 

I can only speak from my personal experience. However, you can almost certainly expect to be under consultant-led care. Exactly when you meet your consultant depends, but I met mine when I was 13 weeks pregnant. At your first appointment, they’ll discuss your risk factors with you, then make a plan regarding what you need from there. For me, things like starting Fragmin injections and high dose Folic Acid had already been actioned as soon as the local Early Pregnancy Unit confirmed viability at just over 5 weeks. But what I wasn’t quite expecting was to be told that I needed a referral to a different hospital this early on.

Referrals to a different hospital usually only happen if your hospital doesn’t have the specialists required. We had to be referred because I hadn’t had a maternal medicine consultation since 2017. Additional risk factors for referral included my medical and family history (we have a few congenital defects in our family). Luckily, it was to one of the best units in the UK, the Silver Star Unit at Oxford, and I can’t thank them enough for everything they’ve done so far. Not only have I now had a maternal medicine consultation with them, but we’re also under the genetics team for testing that needs to be done before I go into labour! Thanks to Covid, my Silver Star appointments have been virtual, but it’s meant that Alex has been able to be with me on the calls, as it’s something he likely wouldn’t have been able to attend if the appointments were face-to-face in Oxford due to flying schedules.

Thankfully, the lovely people at Silver Star have been advising our local hospital’s obstetrics team of everything that needs doing so that we don’t have to make the 120 mile round trip to Oxford. Luckily, the consultant at my local hospital had the majority of things recommended in place already: the anaesthetic referral due to local anaesthetics being completely ineffective, a GTT at 28 weeks, Fragmin injections and growth scans to keep a close eye on the little one. I’m also under a team at my local hospital who are experienced in dealing with high-risk pregnancies, meaning that I get the same midwife right up until I go into labour, and if not my midwife, then another midwife from that team will be with me during labour and delivery. The only thing that needed adding on top of the original plan was cervical length scans due to my pre-term labour risk.

As I get further into this pregnancy, one thing that will definitely be increasing is monitoring. Not just through growth scans, but no doubt regular checkups to listen to the little one. Unfortunately, due to one of my conditions, I’m not able to feel movement, so Alex and I have to palpate my tum for them instead. Interesting fact – Alex felt little one before me! We’ve already had one period recently of not feeling little one move for a while, which led to a triage visit, something that my midwife suspects will increase as this pregnancy progresses.

All in all, there aren’t too many changes appointment and monitoring wise with high-risk pregnancy until you get further along. Apart from my 13-week consultant appointment, 17-week growth scan, and two appointments with Silver Star, all my other appointments have been what you would expect in any pregnancy (booking appointment, 12-week scan, and 16-week appointment). The only difference I’ve had with my midwife appointments is that mine are face-to-face and done at home unless I need blood tests (most appointments are phone call due to covid), and my midwife attends all my scans with me as well as local hospital consultant appointments.

Want to know more about our high-risk pregnancy journey? We’ll be doing monthly posts about what appointments, scares and more we’ve had! If you have a question in the meantime, pop it in the comments below or send us a message on Instagram, and we’ll get back to you!

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The Truth About ‘Airline Approved’ Car Seats!

Firstly, I’m aware this post is about to burst many peoples’ bubbles who may have already spent upwards of £200 on a car seat they have been informed is airline approved, only for me to come on and say it might not be allowed on board. Secondly, I’ve made this post to the best of my knowledge. With both Alex and I working in aviation here in the UK, we’ve both encountered disagreements with parents who assume that because they have an ‘airline approved’ car seat, they can use it on board regardless. Unfortunately, as you’re about the find out, that isn’t always the case.

You only need to do a quick Google search to read horror stories of flying with lap children. Thankfully, today with increased safety standards, events like those are incredibly rare. The main issue I’m dreading with our little one on my lap is comfort for both them and myself. Whilst flying with Alex will mean another pair of hands to hold our little bundle of joy, flying on my own before they reach the magic 10kg will be a different matter!

Why the magic 10kg (22lb) and not two years old? 

The CARES harness or ‘Child Restraint Device.’ All infants under two years of age either have to be on their parent’s lap or in an approved restraint device if travelling in their own seat. Usually, that would mean an approved car seat, but another option is much less bulky and easier to transport, which you can use once your child hits the magic 10kg (22lb) – the minimum weight they can be to use a CARES harness. The one I recommend is the harness from Kids Fly Safe. Not only does it have the all-important FAA approval label (be warned that some cheaper ones don’t, which means you may not be allowed to use it on board), but it takes up virtually no room in your hand luggage! The downside is that you can’t use it in premium economy, business class or first class on most airlines. Still, if you’re planning to only fly within UK, Europe or long-haul economy before your little one reaches the age of two, then it’s the perfect solution to an almost impossible mission of finding a car seat that can be used on all airlines. The recommendation is that the CARES harness is used on the last row (window seat); otherwise, the seat behind has to be unaccompanied on some airlines. The beauty of that means you’re never too far from the toilets onboard!

Why your ‘Airline Approved’ car seat still might have restrictions onboard! 

Picture this. You’ve got your ‘Airline Approved’ car seat onboard, got it secured onto the seat, but it’s rearward facing. You cannot use a rearward-facing car seat during take-off, turbulence, or landing on most UK airlines. Some go as far as saying you cannot use a rearward-facing car seat at all! Some also have restrictions on who can use a car seat; for example, Alex’s airline requires that the parent sitting next to the infant is an able-bodied person. This means that those requiring assistance cannot travel on their own with their child if planning to use a car seat (they can, however, use the CARES harness once they hit 10kg). Another downside is that you cannot use a car seat in all cabins. Economy? Fine. Business or first? Just like the CARES harness, it usually isn’t possible to use a car seat.

If you want to use your car seat in all stages and it’s rearward facing, I highly recommend flying with Lufthansa. Not only do they allow the car seat to be used in all phases of flight if it’s on their approved list, they’re the only airline I’ve found so far with a comprehensive list of approved car seats which you can find here.

So what can you use before 10kg? 

Everyone knows that lap infants in the UK and Europe are secured using an infant extension belt, which isn’t great when you need to eat/drink/get up, but you have nowhere to put little one! Alex and I would always urge parents never to put their child on the floor on board. It’s really not sanitary; those planes do not get cleaned that often! My advice is that if you are planning to lap child within Europe, get a changing bag with a built-in carrycot (this is the one we’ve picked from Amazon) so that if you need to pop them down or they want a nap, you have somewhere safe to put them when waiting around in the airport. On long-haul flights, get a bassinet position! It will save you a lot of hassle, and you’ll be able to relax more onboard.

Our saving grace for allowing me to travel alone with the baby once they’re here is that on Alex’s airline, you can keep an infant in a baby carrier or sling as long as the infant extension belt is around them. That, for me, means that I have my hands free for repositioning, transfers and other tasks. But in an emergency, it means that I’ll be able to get myself and little one to an emergency exit safely – something both Alex and I concluded would be complicated if little one weren’t in a carrier. Unfortunately, on other UK airlines, it’s not so clear cut. But with Alex’s airline allowing the baby to be in a carrier even as a lap infant, it makes my life easier as it means I can still travel on my own with them before they hit the magic 10kg and can sit in their own seat using a CARES harness. Of course, most of my flying will be with Alex, and we’ve already devised a plan for layovers or if we’re on a flight that he’s operating. Still, there will be times where I need to fly on my own with little one, and once they’re here, I’ll be doing a post on what it’s really like to travel with an infant when you’re a passenger with reduced mobility (PRM).

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Baby On A Budget – Top Tips

In the days where almost everyone is now getting the latest gadgets for their new little one, a baby’s first year can cost parents over £11,000. However, if you’re willing to do a little bit of work, then there are a few simple and easy ways to make this figure decrease dramatically.

For us, it’s all started with planning. The fact that I’d begun planning very early in each of the pregnancies I’ve had has meant that we’ve accumulated a rather large stockpile of freebies already. With each of my previous 4 miscarriages, I popped anything I’d gotten in the loft, hoping one day they might finally get used. Until this pregnancy, I hadn’t paid a penny for anything I had stored. How? Freebies.

Whether you want to start your stockpile whilst trying to conceive, or you’ve just found out you’re pregnant and want to save as much money as possible, freebies are your best friend. If you look online, you’ll find plenty of companies offering freebies when you sign up. Companies offering freebies include Boots with their parenting club, Cow and Gate’s C&G Club, Amazon with their baby wish list offers (more on that later) and many more. You can also sign up for free baby products via Emma’s diary and Bounty packs which you pick up in local stores, as well as Your Baby Box. I’ve received everything from babygrows to full-sized packs of nappies, bottles, baby toiletries, mum-to-be goodies and more. 90% of my current stockpile is from freebies.

If you’re in the market for second-hand baby items, places like Gumtree, FaceBook, and Freecycle are good places to look for free items too. I’ve managed to pick up some excellent clothing bundles, toys and cot bedding from these places. eBay is also highly recommended for buying things like second-hand breast pumps at a heavily discounted price if you intend to express. I picked up my electric Philips Avent Natural electric pump for just £7.50 on there (normally retails new for £125).

Things I wouldn’t buy second-hand are cots (unless getting a brand new mattress), baby carriers and car seats, but there are ways to get them that won’t cost the earth!

Baby shows:

Even during the lockdown, several baby shows have been happening; they’ve just moved online! I’ve been to 2 so far, and each time, the exhibitors have had some excellent show discounts. It’s how we got our Ergobaby Omni 360 baby carrier as well as other bits. Most exhibitors offered at least a 10% discount on their products, with some offering up to 30% off! A great offer that The Baby Show, in particular, did in February was the show’s Made For Mums goody bag. Not only was it only £9.99 including postage, but the bags were around £80 in value! Products included a full-sized child-friendly sanitiser, MAM self-sterilising bottle, travel-sized baby toiletries and wipes, a £5 off Lidl voucher, nappy and vitamin samples, snacks (including love corn), and a resistance band. The biggest bargain in the bag was a NUK training cup kit which retails at £18.99 alone – making the bag pay for itself and more!

Baby lists and payment plans:

For us, baby lists will be a massive help! Not only do they help you keep track of what you’re spending, but they also allow family members and friends to know what it is you want for your new bundle of joy! 

Many companies do them, but two that we’re using are the Amazon baby wishlist which gives you free items if you add £20 worth of qualifying items from your list and use the word GIFT in the promo box at checkout. This list can also be shared with friends and family, so they’re able to buy items from there for you. This is great for us as we’re planning to bring up our child trilingual, and it allows us to add their first German and Spanish books and toys to the list.

The downside to the Amazon baby wishlist is that family and friends can’t make part payments. That’s where the Mamas And Papas payment plan comes into its own! Next week, we happen to have an appointment in-store when shops reopen to set up our own list and payment plan. However, in a nutshell, Mamas And Papas allow you to create a list of items in-store, pay a minimum of a 10% deposit and then you can make payments whenever it suits you, either in-store or over the phone. Any remaining balance has to be made 28 days before delivery or on collecting your order from the store. But the beauty is that family and friends can also make payments towards the balance on your behalf. It’s a complete game-changer in that if family and friends want to help towards the cost of the larger items instead of buying little bits you may not use, then they can.

Have you got any tips for saving money when buying for baby or found any bargains? Share them with us!


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Five Things That Really Get To Me As A Disabled Mum-To-Be!

It’s no secret that I’m disabled. The very fact that I’m a wheelchair user tells the world straight away that I have something wrong with me. It also seems to invite some rather horrible, intrusive and frankly unwarranted assumptions or comments about my ability to parent or just about my life in general. Since beginning to announce my pregnancy, I’ve had many, quite frankly, nasty unfounded comments and assumptions made about me, but here are 5 of the ones that truly get to me.

Number 1: Assuming I was born disabled

Let’s get one thing clear – I wasn’t born disabled! I became a wheelchair user at 18 because of a condition I never knew I had until it was too late. My childhood was active; I travelled a lot and was very sporty, but I also had a lot of niggles and injuries, and I suppose rather clumsy. As a child, I had backaches which got worse as I grew, and I would roll my ankles, dislocate my knees, thumbs, and god knows what else without any actual cause – or so we thought! My pain got put down to growing pain, and I would be regularly accused of putting on injuries as my joints would often be back in place by the time we got to the hospital. That all changed when my gran had enough of us being brushed off and took me to the GP when I started getting numbness in my legs, worsening back pain, and she couldn’t feel the bottom of my spine just days before Christmas 2014! I was quickly diagnosed with spondylolisthesis; essentially, my vertebrae have never fused correctly and, as such, have slipped out of position. ‘Not just a bad back, but a broken one that needs surgery’ my GP told my gran, who’d taken the phone off of me in the car park of Homebase after I burst into tears on hearing my x-ray results in January 2015. Quickly things got worse from there, and within weeks of turning 18, I’d ended up a full-time wheelchair user, having lost the use of my legs, amongst other things. A few months after, we then received an explanation for the ‘clumsiness’ I had as a child as I was informed that I had Ehlers-Danlos syndrome – a connective tissue disorder.

Number 2: Assuming I don’t work

I don’t know what it is with society, but when you’re disabled, many people seem to think you’re a burden on society, unable to do anything for yourself. I’ve had many comments relating to how people think I sponge off the taxpayer (I don’t.) But the way I’ve dealt with it, especially since having the blog, is to hand those people one of my business cards with my main travel and lifestyle blog from which I make an income! The look of shock on peoples faces is always priceless. But it gets to me because society still doesn’t understand that disabled people have so much to give and so much talent. With suitable adaptations, we can live as much of a fulfilling life as anyone else! This is also something that has come up a lot since announcing my pregnancy because people seem to assume that if you’re disabled, not able to work etc., then you can’t possibly be a good parent – wrong. You can!

Number 3: Being called an inspiration

Whether it’s when people hear of how I set up a travel blog that saw me named on the list of the most influential disabled people in Great Britain, how I can fly an adapted plane, to being a world record holder, a disabled mum-to-be, or just seeing me out and about going about my daily life, one thing I can’t stand is being called an ‘inspiration’. The whole idea of ‘inspiration porn’ frankly disgusts me, and when people comment I’m an ‘inspiration’ for simply living my best possible life, I honestly don’t know what to say to them! In most cases, I know that people mean well, but if they understood for one minute why it makes disabled people uncomfortable to be called ‘inspirational’ purely for going about their lives, you can almost guarantee that they’d stop the comments.

Number 4: Being ignored or someone assuming I can’t do something

Firstly it’s my legs that don’t work, not my brain! Honestly, though, I think this is another bane of many disabled people – being ignored! Whenever I’m with someone else, if someone has a question, they’ll ask whoever is with me and not me – assuming I can’t speak in the process. Thankfully, I have some fantastic people around me who will happily point out to people that if they want to know something about me, ask me directly! Many times, Alex and I have been out, and someones asked Alex a question about me, only for him to tell them to ask me myself because in his words, ‘it’s Steph’s legs that don’t work!’

The other assumption that gets to me? Assuming I can’t do something myself. Almost every time I’m out in public, someone has the urge to come along and touch my chair without asking! Firstly, it’s plain rude. My wheelchair is an extension of my personal space; you wouldn’t touch a stranger without asking, so don’t push someone’s wheelchair without asking! It’s also extremely dangerous; I’ve almost been pushed out of my chair on several occasions by people who have unexpectedly pushed my chair whilst sitting in it. If you think you can help, whether that’s to reach for something, help someone up a hill etc. Just ask! We’d rather you asked us first, than assume you can do x, y and z for us!

Number 5: Assuming I won’t be a good parent/my child will end up caring for me etc.

I’m leaving the worst until last, but I cannot tell you enough how much this angers me! In the previous 4 months, I’ve had every comment and assumption under the sun, from ‘you’ll need help looking after your child’ to ‘your child will be your carer and have no childhood’ right up to ‘you shouldn’t be a mum.’ Yes, I’ve had that last comment more times than I care to count. The truth is, with the right adaptations and planning, there is no reason why I won’t be as good as any other parent! Yes, we’ve had to plan and start looking at things earlier – at 19 weeks pregnant, I’ve already gotten the pushchair I’ll be using and started to use it with my 2-year-old brother when he visits that I can get used to it. We already know a bedside crib will work better than a mosses basket and that there are options other than getting a changing table. The ‘you shouldn’t be a mum’ comment hurts when it comes from strangers, but it ripped me apart when it came from a family member. See, the thing is, my gran brought me up because my mum herself is disabled. The difference between my mum and me? No adaptation in the world could’ve helped her. She has double cortex syndrome and a whole host of problems that it caused, amongst other things. The comment caused me to ask the family member in question if they think my mum should’ve had me. Heartbreaking to ask, but a question I felt was necessary since they were so intent on questioning my wish to become a parent.

If anything, I genuinely believe that as long as our child grows up as healthy as possible, is happy, well-mannered and well-rounded, then Alex and I will have done a fantastic job at being their parents. The beauty of our child having us as parents? The fact that they’ll be raised in a loving, inclusive environment where they’ll be loved and cherished no matter what, and that beats everything.

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