Our Hospital Bag Must Haves: Aromatherapy, Alternative Therapies And Affirmations

With induction day looming (and potentially being brought forward after the last few days of yet more reduced movements), I’ve been preparing more for what I want to use during induction and labour to help me through. However, with multiple allergies meaning that most forms of pain relief are out of the question, I’ve ended up looking for alternatives to use which will help me through. Although I’m unable to feel from the top of my naval below, which means I won’t feel contractions and can only palpate them, I can get redirect headaches if there are any painful stimuli below my naval. Worse still, they can spike my blood pressure if it’s not controlled – something you don’t want happening in labour! 

So what am I planning to use? 

Various oils, pillow sprays, and roll-on's are laid out on a light grey sofa. The spray pillow sprays are contained in a purple organza bag and there is a rose gold and silver colour bracelet in the middle. Towards the bottom of the photo is a pack of 2 black anti-sickness bands.
Some of the aromatherapy items as well as sickness bands going in my hospital bag

Aromatherapy: I’m a massive fan of aromatherapy. Despite having brittle asthma on top of everything else, I often use aromatherapy to relax and calm myself. There are some essential oils that I cannot use as they set my asthma off big time, but others work really well. Products I adore using include Aveda’s Stress-Fix Composition Oil. This oil is so versatile that you can use it in the bath as a bath oil, on its own as a massage oil, or just warm up a few drops in your hands and breathe in to relax. Unfortunately, it has clary sage in meaning I haven’t been able to use it during pregnancy. However, it is safe to use in labour, meaning that Alex will be on massage duty! 

Another duo that I often use, especially when travelling, is the This Works Choose Sleep Bundle. This pillow spray and roll-on combination is a dream! The Deep Sleep Pillow Spray really helps to send you into a nap, whilst the Stress Check Roll-On contains a mix of essential oils to help you fully relax. I also recommend getting an additional pillow spray if you’re being induced, especially as some inductions can take a while, and you’ll want to get your sleep in whilst you can! 

I’m also putting in The White Company’s Relax Pulse Point in my case to work alongside the This Works Stress Check Roll-On. Although they do similar things, they have different essential oils. The pulse point contains the perfect mix of lavender, clary sage, and peppermint. This combination is said to be perfect for helping you relax whilst also speeding up labour, plus reducing sickness and headaches. 

As well as using aromatherapy blends like those above, I’m also taking pure lavender and peppermint oils to use in an aromatherapy bracelet. This bracelet has felt discs that you pop a few drops of oil on, then place in the disc holder on the bracelet. This is an excellent option if you find that putting oils directly on the skin irritates you, as the oil doesn’t come into direct contact with the skin. You can also use the oils in a diffuser. Some hospitals have diffusers on their labour wards or in the birth centre, so it’s worth asking your midwife about whether or not this is something they provide. Also, some hospitals require you to use their stock of oils, but you can choose which oils you want to use, so you may not be able to use your own oils with the diffuser if they do provide them.  

Other non-medical options: As well as my combination of aromatherapy products, I’m also taking sickness bands in with me, just in case. Even though I’m still on a powerful cocktail of anti-sickness medications to control my sickness, there are still some days I use the bands on my ankles as well as my wrists. 

I’ll also be using the relaxation techniques and breathing exercises that I learnt through watching The Positive Birth Company’s videos on YouTube. I also have some of their affirmation cards packed ready to go for during induction if I need a pick me up! They also have an affirmations function on Alexa, which I use at home each evening. However, if you download the Alexa app, you’ll be able to use them on your phone at the hospital as well! 

What About TENS or water?

Unfortunately, because of my condition, as much as I would love to try TENS in the early stages of labour, it’s contraindicated, so it wouldn’t be a good idea to try. I’m also not able to have a water birth as there’s no way to be able to hoist me out of the pool in an emergency. I am, however, hoping that we get one of the rooms that has an ensuite bath in so that Alex can help me get in and out of that in the early stages of labour. Of course, this is dependant on how much monitoring little one requires. Still, we’re hoping we won’t need to be on monitoring continuously. 

What if we have to go down the medical pain relief route?

As I said at the beginning, I’m allergic to most medical forms of pain relief. Outside of the hospital, the only painkiller I can take is paracetamol, so of course, that will be the first thing. I take paracetamol regularly to keep the edge off of my day to day pain levels, so, likely, I’ll just continue that regime through labour. Luckily, I’m able to tolerate fentanyl in small doses. There’s a fast-acting version that can be given if needed, but I’m hoping to avoid it. We also have the option of gas and air. I just have to be mindful of how much I take at once.   

What about an epidural?

Epidural is something that has been discussed at length with various people in the team looking after us. We’ve already decided that if we need it, we’re going to try it even though it’s technically challenging because of how my spine is. Another problem is that my body doesn’t always respond to local or regional anaesthetics, which caused my thumb fusion to be done under a general last year after a regional failure where I ended up screaming in pain. However, you never know if you don’t try, and I’m willing to try anything to get the birth I want! 

Did you use any alternative therapies or treatments during labour and birth? Share them in the comments for others to see!

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Our High Risk Pregnancy So Far: Why We’ve Accepted Induction Of Labour

The last few weeks have been stressful with no news and, as a result, no plan. Finally, at 36 weeks, we now have one, but it might not be the plan everyone was expecting us to have. If you haven’t read our previous post about our pregnancy journey so far, you can read the last one here. 

From the start, we always knew that I’d require some sort of medical input when it came to labour time and birth. Our biggest fears were that I’d be pressured into accepting a c-section which for me would mean a difficult recovery and relying on Alex and our families for almost everything for the first 8-12 weeks, both in terms of my care and little one’s. I’ve always been for a physiological birth, or as close to it as I can possibly get, only going for a c-section or other interventions if absolutely necessary, especially as it would very likely need to be done under general. Luckily, the result of the MDT meeting was that if I don’t want an elective c-section, then I don’t have to have one, but it’s under the condition that I’m aware we could still be heading down that route if either little one or I don’t cope well in during labour. 

How the option of induction came about and why we accepted

One of the biggest things about not going down the c-section route is unpredictability and the risks involved. For us, not only do I have a medical condition which means I can’t feel movements or contractions and have to palpate for them, but I’m also at risk of precipitous labour. Then, to top it off, we found out that I have Group B Strep at 26 weeks, and I’m also at risk of other complications. It meant that the idea of induction was proposed to us, with all the risks and benefits involved. Benefits? We’d have an idea of when my labour will begin, and with it, the option to ensure Alex is off work for a few days so that he doesn’t miss the birth. It also eliminates the risk of me giving birth at home with no help other than Alex’s Avmed training, which, whilst the scope of what Avmed covers is fantastic, where childbirth is concerned, it doesn’t equip you for a complicated labour birth. Cons? If it fails or something else happens, it’s a c-section since assisted delivery via forceps or ventose is out of the question due to dislocation risk. It also further increases my haemorrhage risk, something my consultant already factored in early on so that there’ll be medication drawn up and on standby if it’s needed. 

As my midwife talked to me about induction some weeks ago when Alex’s roster and being back at work was causing me stress around whether or not he’d even make the birth, Alex and I had actually spoken about the possibility of induction. We researched the risks and benefits before my consultant had even offered it to us to come to a decision together without feeling pressured. After those discussions with Alex and my midwife, I said that if induction was offered to me, I’d accept it to reduce the risk of that happening as him not being at the birth would be heartbreaking for us both. It also gives us some control over the situation as long as little one stays put and I don’t go into labour before induction day, something which could happen and my consultant warned us about when we accepted the offer. Alex had already made it clear that he’s scared of waking up during the night to find me still asleep whilst in advanced labour, something which we both know would affect him massively even with all of the training he’s equipped with, thanks to him being crew! 

As you can see, accepting an induction of labour was an easy decision for us once we’d weighed up all of the risks and benefits. Even with the risk of having to go down the c-section route if something goes wrong, the thought of having an unattended labour and birth with all of the dangers attached due to my complex medical history scares Alex and I more. We are also fortunate that we never felt pressured by the team looking after us to accept induction, mainly because we’d had that discussion ourselves beforehand, giving us time to fully consider everything. Not only is there information on induction of labour available to read in my handheld notes, but we also turned to Google to research the specific risks that are unique to our situation and spoke to other pregnant people who have EDS. But what if you’re enjoying a lower risk pregnancy and offered induction, or just don’t know if you want one?

Research is your best friend. 

Alex and I both know people who have been offered induction of labour and felt little pressure to accept, as well as plenty of people with low-risk pregnancies who felt forced into accepting an induction to keep their team happy. We started looking into our options quite early on once our consultant told me that she’d do everything possible to keep our options for labour and mode of delivery open. That kind of support from her when every other specialist outside of obstetrics had told me that c-section was the safest way forward meant the world to both of us. It also meant that we felt even more supported by the teams looking after us, both at our local hospital and the Silver Start Unit in Oxford, who we’re so thankful to have the specialist input of. 

Great places to research induction include Google (especially as you can tailor your search to your unique situation) and your handheld notes if your hospital provides information on induction of labour in these. I also highly recommend speaking to people who’ve had an induction of labour offered about their experiences, even if they didn’t accept the offer, as firsthand experiences can often help the decision making process. This same piece of advice goes for those who have medical conditions which could influence management. There are plenty of online groups on Facebook etc., which allow you to connect with others going through similar! If you can, start researching and discussing your thoughts with someone else early! This means by the time an offer of induction is given to you (if it is), you’ll have already thought about it and either decided on whether or not to accept, or you’ll have an idea of what questions to ask. It also means that whatever your decision is, you’ll be able to explain the reasoning behind your decision to whoever is looking after you knowing that you’ve given yourself time to consider all the risks and benefits. I’ve also learned to use one acronym that has helped us massively with each decision we make, called B.R.A.I.N. 

What is B.R.A.I.N?

B.R.A.I.N really is what it says it is; it’s using your brain to make an informed decision. 

B – Benefits (what are the benefits of this test or procedure for me and my baby?) 

R – Risks (what are the risks of this test or procedure for me and my baby?)

A – Alternatives (What, if any, are the alternatives?) 

I – Instinct (What is my instinct telling me? What do I think and feel about this test or procedure? Who else can I ask about it?)

N – Nothing (What could happen if I decide to do nothing or wait and see? Can this test or procedure be delayed? Can I take some time to think about it or research?)

B.R.A.I.N is something we’ve used throughout our pregnancy journey to make informed decisions and choices that we know are right for us without feeling pressured into doing something we may not necessarily want to do. It’s also something that we will continue to use and advocate that others use, especially as it is such a handy tool to have. With the NICE draft guidelines meaning that an increasing amount of people are already being offered induction at 39 weeks even if there isn’t a clear clinical need, now more than ever, birthing people and their partners must be able to make informed decisions without feeling pressured into accepting something they may not actually want. 

Have you been offered an induction of labour or had one in the past? Feel free to share your experiences in the comments with us! 

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Accessibility When Pregnant: A Disabled Parent-To-Be’s Point Of View

Being pregnant and disabled seems to throw near enough everyone. If it’s not people making assumptions and comments related to becoming a disabled parent (see our blog post on that here), it’s the lack of access to maternity care. Society can’t get to grips with the simple fact that disabled people have lives, have relationships, create families, and need the same access to services as able-bodied people!

Healthcare settings, in general, are not the most accessible places for disabled people. For example, wheelchair users requiring cervical or other screenings often can’t get onto the beds or close to the machines and sometimes can’t even get into the room they need to go in. In addition, sighted guidance training doesn’t always seem to have been provided to staff, and thanks to Covid-19, masks mean that those who rely on lip-reading are often left not knowing what’s going on. This is just the tip of the iceberg of access problems.

For me, in maternity specifically, the access issues have recently become a nightmare. Whilst the antenatal clinic is relatively accessible at my local hospital for wheelchair users, the same cannot be said for labour triage upstairs! Right from the beginning, my midwife has made as many of my appointments as possible with her home visits. Not just because of my vulnerability status regarding Covid-19, but because my home is set up for me. I can transfer out of my chair onto the sofa or the bed when it’s time to check little one’s positioning and listen to their heartbeat, and I also feel much more at ease because hospitals and I have a pretty bad history.

At my local hospital, labour triage has two assessment rooms. Both rooms are so small that as a wheelchair user, I’m unable to move around in either. It also means I can’t transfer onto the bed on a good day, can’t be hoisted in these rooms on a bad day, and to top it off, if I need monitoring, then it’s done with me sitting in my wheelchair, which can mean that the CTG doesn’t always meet criteria. If I need other examinations for whatever reason, the only option available is to wait for one of the larger delivery rooms to free up. The problems don’t stop there either, as in labour triage there’s no disabled toilet. It’s a case of me making sure I take a urine sample in with me when I go in, or I have to go downstairs to the disabled toilet to do one. It also means that if I need to catheterise whilst upstairs, we then have to go downstairs to do that. So far, in the few visits that I’ve had for various scares, I’ve found two delivery rooms that have toilets I can use as they have grab rails in, although on one of these I’ll still need help to transfer as the grab rails aren’t on both sides.

My access needs have become a bigger worry as the delivery day nears. Will I end up being a burden on already overstretched staff when I need help in the times Alex or other family coming to visit us aren’t there? I’ve already been made to feel like a burden once when a registrar didn’t understand my needs. If it wasn’t for the fact that my own midwife was with me when it happened, I probably would have broken down even more than I did. At 33 weeks, when we were worried I may have gone into preterm labour, I was seen in one of those tiny triage rooms. The registrar was adamant that they could help me onto a bed that both my midwife and I knew I wouldn’t be able to safely get on without being hoisted. In the end, my lovely midwife said to me, ‘I’m going to go and speak with the others to get you into one of the delivery rooms because there’s no way we’re risking a dislocation!’ Having that kind of advocacy during one of my most vulnerable moments has been invaluable.

The lack of access around the hospital is such a worry that I’m dreading the postnatal period whilst in hospital. Will there be enough room around the bed for my chair and my case, especially with little one’s cot to contend with as well. Will I be able to use the bathrooms and toilet on the postnatal ward? If I need to be hoisted, will there be room for that? Thankfully, I have such a great midwife that she’s already thinking ahead to that period, even to the point of planning to ask for me to have a side room which will mean more space. Anyone who’s given birth in a hospital knows that side rooms on postnatal are a rarity, so if we do manage to get one, I’ll be even happier. With my medication having a sedative effect, I know that it’s going to be a tough ask, but my access needs are just as important as other needs in the bigger picture.

Many won’t realise this, but July marks Disability Pride month. If you didn’t know that, it’s likely because you haven’t seen the equivalent of rainbow washing that companies perform during Pride month in June. You see, companies don’t seem to bother with disabled folk; I’ve seen hardly any talk about how they’re helping disabled people or making their services more accessible. Our communities’ struggles aren’t for one month of the year, they are every single day, and that’s why active allyship and advocacy for disabled people and their needs is so important! As I’ve said in this post, how my midwife advocates for my needs is invaluable. Not only to me but to Alex as well because he is also worried about my needs not being met if he’s not with me in hospital for whatever reason. After little one has arrived, I’ll be doing a post about how having almost one-to-one care throughout the pregnancy has really helped me and why I believe everyone should have access to that level of support if they need it!

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Our High-Risk Pregnancy So Far: 32 Weeks And Still No Plan!

If there were a list of posts that we hoped we wouldn’t be doing, this is one of them! I knew from the start that pregnancy wouldn’t be easy. Alex and I spoke about that fact in detail quite a few times, as well as about what we would do in set situations, but we never thought we’d get to a point where we have no plan so soon to little one’s arrival! 

Going through a high-risk pregnancy takes its toll, and with ours, we have another problem; high levels of uncertainty. Uncertainty around labour because I can’t feel movements (more on that subject here), uncertainty and worries around neonatal withdrawal and how my medication has impacted little one, and finally, uncertainty over whether or not my body will cope with physiological birth. The latter could be true for anyone. After all, no one knows for sure if they’ll get the birth experience they dream of, but we quietly hope that everything will go to plan and for our preferences to be fully respected and carried out without question. 

For me, I’ve been adamant from the beginning that when it comes to mode of delivery, I want a physiological birth if at all possible. So when I attended my first appointments with obstetrics and my midwife, I made a point of telling healthcare professionals that I want to try, even with the uncertainty around my body being able to cope. Here’s the thing with my EDS; it’s unpredictable, especially as my dislocations can happen at any given moment. I also have autonomic dysfunction, spinal involvement, and on top of that, we don’t know for sure what type of EDS I have. Although I found out in 2015 that I have EDS, until 2019, everyone assumed it was the hypermobile type. But when my thumb joints failed to the point of needing fusion and other symptoms began popping up, there were concerns that I have classic EDS and not the hypermobile type. So when I fell pregnant again and got referred to Silver Star in Oxford, doctors there decided to get me tested and find out once and for all if it is indeed classic EDS. This very bit of information will be the difference between me getting my way and getting the chance to have a physiological birth or having to go down the c-section route. 

Up until 26 weeks, the obstetric teams I’m under all agreed to keep an open mind. However, a swab I had done when I started spotting again picked up Group B Strep. It’s not an issue during pregnancy, but it’s a problem in labour or if waters go since you need to be on antibiotics as soon as possible to reduce the risk of passing the infection onto baby. It’s yet another complication we could have done without, as it’s further heightened both mine and Alex’s anxiety around labour and birth. It’s also left me worrying that even if I can have a ‘normal’ delivery, physiological birth could out of the question if the team eventually recommend that I have an induction. 

Why The Idea Of A C-Section Scares Me 

Let me start by saying that you have to do what is best for you and your baby, and no two birth experiences will ever be the same. For birthing people who choose to go down the c-section route, I fully respect your decision and know that it isn’t always easy to make. 

For me, many of the worries around c-section delivery are linked to past medical trauma, which I’m still working on processing. My EDS means that both local and regional anaesthetics are ineffective to the point that I’ve had to be put under general for surgeries where most could be awake. In one surgery last year, I had a failed regional, and my last memory before being put under was screaming in pain as the anaesthetic failed to numb my arm. I also had problems coming around from the general afterwards, which wasn’t ideal. Luckily, we’ve been able to speak to the lead obstetric anaesthetist at the hospital in-depth about this and other issues, including my long list of allergies! During our conversation, the anaesthetist we spoke to joked, ‘you’re not an anaesthetist’s best friend, are you?’ ‘No, I’m not, I’m a paperwork nightmare’ was my light-hearted reply. That conversation also highlighted other issues. However, we also had our minds put at rest over certain things. 

One of the other worries about having a c-section under general is that we were both put under the impression Alex would not be allowed into theatre for the birth. Usually, this is the case and was so even before covid. But we’ve been reassured that depending on who is the team on the day, Alex’s emotional state (good thing he’s crew) and that there are no emergencies involving myself or little one, he may be allowed into theatre for the birth. It’s something Alex is super happy about, and I’m just relieved over even if it isn’t for certain. Having my birth partner with me means having someone I know and fully trust to fight my corner and ensure my birth preferences are respected. This is especially true where delayed cord clamping and skin-to-skin contact are concerned (both of which I want regardless of delivery method). 

There’s also the worries around my recovery from a c-section. People forget that it’s major surgery with a lengthy recovery period! In my case, it means not being able to transfer myself for 6-8 weeks which means I’ll probably need to be on hoist transfers – something I heavily detest! A c-section recovery would also mean heavily relying on Alex, my dad and others since I’ll likely have to restrict how much time I can be in my wheelchair and up and about. I also take longer to heal, thanks to my EDS, so there’s the risk that the usual restrictions could last even longer. All of this makes me worry about how much I’ll be able to be involved in our baby’s care in those first weeks.

32 Weeks and still no plan

When I had my genetic blood panel done to find out what we’re dealing with in terms of my EDS, I was informed that the results would be the most significant determinating factor regarding what mode of delivery would eventually be recommended. There was hope we’d have them back at around 28-30 weeks, enabling us to get a plan in place and know what to expect. We also need to have an MDT meeting, where all the specialists involved in both mine and little ones care meet to discuss the way forward. However, we can’t have the meeting until the genetics are back, something that is starting to worry not just Alex and I, but my consultant, who is now chasing them up. 

We’re hopeful that by 34 weeks, we’ll have the results, the meeting and know what will happen. However, I feel disheartened and stuck in limbo. My birth preferences still aren’t complete because I don’t feel I can fully finish that off until we know what is going on. As we get further along, the possibility of going into preterm labour without a clear plan is not only becoming more likely as the days go by, it’s becoming more and more worrying! However, the biggest thing for me is that whilst there’s no plan in place, I’m holding out hope I’ll get the physiological birth I’m hoping for, even if others think that option is fading away.  

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Navigating Pregnancy When One Of You Is Intersex And The Other Is Trans

Firstly, Happy Pride! June happens to be our favourite month of the year, not only because it’s pride month, but our anniversary also happens to be today! Yes, we got together on the 28th of June, the same day as the anniversary of the Stonewall uprising. For the LGBTQIA+ community, it’s the month where we celebrate how far we’ve come thanks to those who came before us, but at the same time raise awareness that there is still much more to be done. Even in 2021, the world isn’t a safe place for everyone, especially when there are still countries in the world where being your true authentic self is dangerous. There’s also those in power who keep trying to take away our community’s basic rights, rights our elders fought for.

2021 for us is special though, it’s the year that we become parents and a family of 3. But being LGBTQIA+ parents is far from easy. The journey to parenthood has been tough on us both. There have been moments of heartbreak with repeated miscarriages, and the system itself is full of red tape and discrimination. In addition, it’s been exhausting having to deal with people who don’t understand what we’ve been through, which is why for us, it’s so important that we’re visible, not only to challenge the outdated views and myths that you can’t have children if you’re intersex or transgender, but also to provide hope to other LGBTQIA+ people who want to become parents themselves. This year, we’re honoured to be part of The Positive Birth Company’s #ProudParent campaign, sharing our story alongside some other amazing LGBTQIA+ parents and parents-to-be, and you can read all the stories here.

Being LGBTQIA+ in a maternity/pregnancy care environment throws a whole host of emotions at you. So often misunderstood, Alex and I were extremely guarded and protective of each other until I met my community midwife, who, with her compassion, empathy, and determination to get it right, broke down every single barrier in the space of two hours. Unfortunately, she left when I was 16 weeks, but our new midwife is just as caring and empathetic, and it’s meant that we’ve felt welcomed, included but above all, safe. How did they manage it? By asking open-ended questions, not making assumptions, and giving us the time and safe space we needed to open up. It takes a lot to trust someone in the medical profession when you’ve been subjected to medical trauma in the past.

For me, my medical trauma started as a young child. Put on hormones at just 9 years old because my body didn’t ‘conform’ to the not so lovely little tick box that doctors have. I struggled with body image, being bullied and even comments from some family members regarding me being on hormone replacement therapy. When I moved in permanently with gran at 14, one of the first things she did was attempt to get me off the hormone tablets that I didn’t want to be on. We went to the doctors, only to be told that it was in my ‘best interests’ to stay on them despite horrific side effects, mood swings and further down the line, a blood clot. Intersex kids are seen as medical emergencies, our bodies over-medicalised and decisions on surgeries, hormones etc., made before we’re even old enough to voice our own opinions.

For Alex, on the other hand, it was a case of not being believed by healthcare professionals. When Alex first went to ask his GP to refer him to the GIC, he was told he needed therapy instead (he didn’t). That wasn’t the only issue; once the GP finally did the referral, rather than changing gender markers and details on his record, they completely deleted his old NHS record and set up a new one. It meant that vital medical history was deleted, putting Alex at risk, and even now, any medical problem he has is often blamed on his hormones rather than actually investigated. It’s resulted in Alex becoming so guarded that we’ve often gone to walk-in for medical attention instead of the GP. The only time he now goes to the doctors is for blood tests and testosterone shots, as these are handled by the nurses with who he has a better experience.

We had this conversation about our struggles with healthcare professionals a while back, and a few things became super clear. Firstly, those who stop trans people from accessing the healthcare and referrals they need are often the same ones dishing out hormones to intersex kids causing irreparable damage. Secondly, those in power trying to restrict trans healthcare are often the same ones who allow doctors to perform cosmetic surgeries on intersex kids before they’ve even been able to voice their opinion. Not only is it hypocrisy at its finest, but it’s a massive issue because cosmetic surgeries on intersex kids are irreversible and come with lifelong consequences, especially when they’re performed before the child has even had a chance to explore their identity and tell the world who they are.

Back to our journey to parenthood, and as you can probably already tell, my decision to be the gestational parent wasn’t an easy one. Alex would never even contemplate carrying, so we knew straight away that if we were going to do this, it would be me doing the carrying. So naturally, I felt excited but nervous because of my past experiences. However, I found focusing on the end and having our bundle of joy helped me through the appointments and hormone courses.

What no one prepares you for, however, is the heartbreak of pregnancy loss. The one in 2019 shattered me, and my mental health took a massive hit. It’s difficult enough to deal with miscarriage alone, I was away with work at the time, and Alex was working as well, so he couldn’t come on this trip with me. No one on the trip knew I was pregnant. We’d all been at pride the day before, and my excuse for not drinking was that I was on antibiotics at the time. Not a complete lie, as I actually was! But it meant that when I realised I was miscarrying just before boarding the flight, I didn’t feel able to tell any of them. I took the flight, got to the hotel, checked in and then made an excuse as to why I wouldn’t go shopping before making my way to the hospital. From there, it was confirmed that I was miscarrying. I had Alex on the phone in a panic and feeling guilty that I was going through it alone, but nothing could’ve prepared me for the lack of empathy and support from one of the nursing staff. When they looked through my notes, realised I’m intersex and had repeated miscarriages, they took it on themselves to tell me that they were surprised I’d even gotten pregnant in the first place and that Alex and I should look at other options. Anyone who’s suffered miscarriage or baby loss will know that it destroys you inside. To have that comment thrown in the mix sent me to an extremely dark place. It was the very thing that caused both Alex and I to become guarded about what we shared and whom we shared it with regarding maternity care after breaking down the walls we’d previously had built up from our individual experiences with healthcare professionals.

Back to now, and to be so close to meeting our baby fills us with joy, hope and a sense of achievement. Joy because we knew that one day, we would become parents; it was something we’d spoken about early on. It was just a case of when would be the right time not only work-wise but also allowing a new team of healthcare professionals into our lives when we’d both had previous bad experiences. Hope for the future, that the world is a more welcoming place and more progress is made, so that future generations don’t have the same struggles that we do now. Finally, a sense of achievement in that my body isn’t a failure, and we’ve proven the person who made that shocking comment almost two years ago wrong. Being intersex or transgender doesn’t exclude you from becoming a parent; we’re living proof of that fact along with many others.

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Why We Aren’t Throwing A Gender Reveal

There’s no better feeling during pregnancy than finally getting over the halfway mark! There’s just something magical about having the 20-week scan and the sense of reality that comes with it. It also marks the point where the planning and preparation for your little bundle of joy gets into full swing. Except for us, we’re not thinking about whether to paint the nursery pink or blue. The fact is, we’re not focusing on the gender of our baby at all. 

Why? 

Well, there are several reasons. Firstly, I’m living proof that what a scan says regarding gender isn’t always true. My mum has an ‘It’s A Boy’ teddy bear with quite an interesting story behind it (embarrassing for the person who got it, though!) Why? Because my parents thought they were having a boy after being told what they thought was my gender on a scan, and then found out I wasn’t a boy when I was born. Ok, the 1990s didn’t have the best ultrasound machines, but you can see why you shouldn’t rely on your scan results. My body produces too much testosterone, and, as a result, I have a lot of masculine features like excess hair (especially face and neck!). Upper estimates suggest that 2-3% of the world’s population are intersex like myself. That’s about the same number of people born with red hair, so it’s not as rare as people are lead to believe, and yes, intersex people can and do have children!

There’s also the simple fact that gender and genitalia are two different things. Those who have found Family Of Wanderlusters through my travel blog, Instagram or YouTube channels, or through Alex and I sharing our story via The Positive Birth Company for Pride will already know that Alex is transgender, and he is very much of the opinion that colours and clothes should not be gendered, which I agree with! Will our child be brought up entirely gender-neutral to enable them to explore their own identity as they grow? I wish we could do that, but the world is so gendered that all we can do is show them that toys, clothes, activities, colours etc., are not gender-specific. If they want to play with lego? Then they can. Want to play football? Go ahead. Want a dolls house? Then we’ll get them one. Wear dresses? Fine. You get the picture.

For some in the intersex, transgender, and non-binary communities, gender reveals hurt. They reinforce the idea that girls like pink, wear dresses and play with dolls and makeup and need to be wrapped up in cotton wool, whilst boys like blue and play rough, which certainly isn’t the case. Not only does it reinforce dangerous stereotypes surrounding gender, but it also erases those who are intersex and reinforces the idea that we don’t exist along with those who are transgender, non-binary or gender non-conforming. Let’s face it, they aren’t gender reveals, they are genital reveals, and frankly, children shouldn’t be treated differently based on what’s between their legs. 

Last but not least, on top of reinforcing gender stereotypes, gender reveals also have an environmental cost. There have been instances where these reveals have caused wildfires, explosions, and worse, affecting biodiverse ecosystems for years to come. There are also news articles online linking them to deaths when the reveals have gone horribly wrong, and nobody wants that on their conscience. 

Let’s face it, we’re in 2021, and frankly, the outdated practice of throwing a gender reveal party needs to stop. As for those who have gender reveals just to celebrate their bundle of joy, that’s what baby showers are for, and you can easily have a gender-neutral themed one to do just that! 

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10 Hospital Bag Must Haves (And 5 Things You Don’t Need)

There are many moments of pregnancy that make the journey memorable. From going shopping for baby items to setting up the nursery and getting your scans, all of these moments mark how close you are to meeting your bundle of joy. But, of course, one of the most significant moments is starting your hospital bag! But when it comes to your bag and what to pack, there are many different opinions on what you need and what you don’t.

The threat of early labour, an array of complications and a generally very-high risk pregnancy meant that from 20 weeks, I was researching what to put in my bag, and now at almost 29 weeks, it’s complete. So these are my following must-have items, as well as those you don’t need based not only on recommendations but personal preference, and the experience of having already been up on labour ward more times than I care to count!

First things first – your bag!

What you do for your hospital bag is up to you. Some people like 2 bags, either one for them and one for baby, or one for labour and one for after. Others, like me, shove everything into a case! If you’re like me and choosing the latter, a hard-shell case with separate compartments and an inbuilt lock is highly recommended! Not only do you then have the ability to split your case, but you can also keep it locked when it’s not being used. Cases like these are also great to use packing cubes with, giving you even more options for separating items however you need to.

What to put in (and what you can leave)

Everyone knows the basics of the hospital bag – nappies, car seat, clothes etc. But here I’m going a little more in-depth with 10 things I’m popping into my bag and 5 that I’m choosing to leave out!

Must-haves:

  1. Maternity towels and breast pads – I’ve seen people say that you don’t need breast pads; however, if you’re leaking milk, then I’d definitely pack some! Although I use my Elvie Catches at home, they need cleaning and regularly sterilising, so if you are using products similar, then leave them out and just get some disposable ones for the bag! Maternity towels are also a must, as regardless of how you have your little one, you will bleed after!

2. Isotonic drinks – Can we rename these to lifesavers!? Drinks like Lucozade sport will keep your energy topped up and stop you from getting dehydrated during labour, especially if you’re unable to eat! If you have gestational diabetes or need to watch your sugar levels, they also do a ‘lite’ version containing 10g of carbs per 500ml bottle.

3. Snacks for you and your birth partner – If you’re like me and having to pack for every scenario, then enough snacks for your birth partner and yourself is a must! Some hospitals are still strict on birth partners leaving the room to get food, so plan ahead. I’ve got snacks for Alex that I know I won’t eat, as well as snacks both of us eat. I’ve also popped dried fruit in my snack bag for me, as that will probably be the thing I want most.

4. Cotton wool – This is so versatile! Not only can you use it to clean baby up if they poop before going home, but if you’re like me and use a cleanser that doesn’t require water, then you can use cotton wool to apply that and toner too.

5. Phone charger – The last thing you want to be doing when it’s time to get to the hospital is fighting with your phone charger, so plan ahead and pop a couple of cables and a plug in your bag! You may also want to pop a pre-charged battery pack in your bag as well, which is precisely what we’ll be doing! A 6ft cable is a good idea, as the plug sockets are often high up behind the bed in the hospital, making a standard 1m cable almost useless!

6. Button-front nightdress or PJs – However you decide to feed your little one, a button-front nightie will make life easier for you, especially if you don’t do hospital gowns! If you know you’re going in for a section, then I suggest nightdresses all the way to prevent PJ bottoms rubbing on your scar!

7. Simple going home outfits for you and baby – Emphasis on the word simple! You’ll be tired, in pain and just want the easiest thing to get on and off when the time comes to leave. My going home outfit is a simple black wrap-front dress and leggings, and our little one will be in a vest and sleep suit.

8. Towels – Yes, the hospital provides them if you ask, but if you have sensitive skin like me, you’ll want to take your own. One brand I highly recommend is Dock & Bay who’s ultra-fast drying towels are lovely on the skin, and they’re also perfect for travelling and beach days when your little one is

9. Cooling mist and a handheld fan – Take it from someone who’s spent more time on labour triage than they wanted to. Those wards are hot! An excellent cooling mist (I recommend this one from Beauty Formulas) is a must, as is a handheld fan that your birth partner can direct towards you when required. I’m not a fan of battery ones, so I have a large handheld fan from Daftboy, but get whatever works best for you.

10. Flip flops! I cannot recommend flip-flops enough, not only for moving around the ward but also for using the showers in the hospital. Find a pair that are easy to put on and pop them down the side of your bag so that they’re easy to reach.

Don’t need:

  1. Muslin squares Yes, they are lifesavers, but baby stomachs are tiny, so the chances are you won’t need muslin squares just yet. If you’re unexpectedly in for longer than a day or two, then you can get someone to bring a few up!

2. Baby wipes – Remember I said you need cotton wool? You can use that to clean your little one with water. Unfortunately, most baby wipes are too rough for newborn skin and can causes rashes. I’ve been advised to wait a week or two before we start to use baby wipes, and even then to use something like Water Wipes.

3. Thick blankets – hospitals are hot, too hot for thick blankets! The ward at my local hospital where I’m giving birth also happens to provide blankets, but if you’re that adamant about taking one in, then an extra-large muslin which you can use to swaddle or as a nursing cover will suffice.

4. Breast Pump – Even if you’re expecting to be in for a few days, your milk likely won’t come in straight away. Breast pumps are bulky, and believe me when I say this, you won’t use the pump until your milk comes in!

5. Books, magazines etc. Again, these you probably won’t use. If you’re that worried about getting bored, get the Kindle app downloaded on your phone or tablet (you can get a 30 day free trial of Kindle Unlimited here), pick a couple books you like and then you have reading material if you need it, without the hassle of taking up precious hospital bag space!

Do you have any must-have items or items you packed but never used if you’ve been through birth before? If so, then pop them in the comments for others to get an idea of what is and isn’t a good idea for the hospital bag!

This post contains affiliate links. This means that we receive a percentage of the revenue made from purchasing products when you click on a link. This does not affect you as the consumer or the price of the product or service. It is also not a paid for promotion or a collaboration/advert.

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Photo of a white pregnant persons midriff, with blue and pink elastic bands holding 2 grey discs to the stomach area with grey colour wires going off to the right of the photo.

Our High Risk Pregnancy So Far: Movement Worries!

Firstly, this would have been a post about how things have changed between weeks 20 to 25, but that one will have to wait for a bit as one particular matter kept overtaking the majority of the post whilst I was writing – movements! 

To help people understand why I feel the way I do, we first have to talk about both how and why we track little one’s movements is a little bit unconventional. My condition means that from the top of my belly button down, I have no sensation and can’t feel fetal movements. The fact is that so far, the only time I’ve been able to ‘feel’ was last week when little one took one good swipe at my ribs and dislocated two of them! Because of my condition, Alex was the first to feel little one’s movements, and it’s something I’m super jealous over as it’s usually the person who’s carrying that gets to feel movements for a few weeks before anyone else can! 

So instead of going about my day whilst tracking them, my life has revolved around putting my hands on my stomach (Alex often joins in at home to cover more ground) every 90 minutes for 10-15 minutes each time since the day Alex felt bumps first movement. So essentially, we’re palpating for little one’s activity and seeing what they’re up to in there! It’s something I knew we’d have to do, but nothing could have prepared me for how complex tracking movements via this method can be since it’s only giving us a snippet of their routine. So imagine the panic we go through each time we don’t get anything when we are palpating. 

Reduced movements

The one thing that is drummed into you when you’re pregnant is to track movements, that they are how you know your little one is well, and that episodes of reduced movements should be reported to your hospital. Of course, there are plenty of varying opinions on how much activity is normal, but only you know your little ones routine.

For most, spotting reduced movements is pretty easy but for us, only being able to feel movements by palpating them means that it’s challenging to decide when to pick up the phone. My first episode happened just shy of 24 weeks, so I phoned my midwife, who quickly decided a trip up to the hospital was needed. Since then, I’ve had four more episodes of reduced movement, three of those being in the last week. The difficulty in knowing when to phone about movements is made more challenging, especially as when I’ve asked about when Alex and I should be worrying, none of those I’ve asked has a concrete answer, and the difficulties in monitoring don’t end there. 

CTG Nightmares

Photo of a white pregnant persons midriff, with blue and pink elastic bands holding 2 grey discs to the stomach area with grey colour wires going off to the right of the photo.
All hooked up to the CTG monitor

Anyone who’s had a CTG or knows what one is will probably know that there are set criteria you have to meet for the monitor to return a normal result. Unfortunately, it can be tricky for a CTG to produce a normal result between 26 and 28 weeks, from what various doctors have told us. However, my condition makes it even more likely for monitorings not to meet the criteria.

Firstly, having to palpate for movements is difficult when the monitors are one your tum! But it’s the only way I can feel movement, and when I do, taking my hand off to press the button linked up to the machine often interferes with the monitoring to the point that we’ve had a loss of contact on some occasions. 

Secondly, my heart rate tends to run high – something that not only does the monitor not like, but it’s resulted in the monitor thinking that it’s picking up little one when it’s my heart rate that it’s picked up. It’s often picked up pretty quickly, but when little one shifts away, the monitoring ends up picking up my heart rate again, which means a lot of moving the monitoring plates around! 

Not meeting criteria always means having to see the doctors before we can go home, and visits during pregnancy have become so regular that I’m on first name terms with half of them, especially as there were many hospital trips at the height of my battle with hyperemesis gravidarum. The silver lining is that my history doesn’t need to be explained as they already know about me, but it gets to a point where it starts to run you down, and no amount of people telling you it’s ok to be worried can stop you from feeling like you’re becoming a nuisance. 

Feeling like a nuisance

Even if it shouldn’t, going back and forth to the hospital for the same thing gets me down. But, luckily, most of the staff are extremely understanding of the rather unique situation I’m in, even if it’s not something that they come across on a day-to-day basis which I feel lucky for because I know that’s not the same for everyone.

However, there’s been one time where I have felt dismayed by the response I received when I told one of the midwives how I have to palpate for movement. Not only were they confused on the phone, but they also continued to be either confused at or not able to accept the fact that because I have no sensation from the top of my belly button down, I’m unable to feel movements when I was at the hospital. It wasn’t until the doctors saw me that they changed their attitude and realised that I was serious about how my condition affects my ability to track little one. 

Thankfully, since that incident, I haven’t felt disbelieved, but it’s left me feeling like a nuisance even more than I would’ve felt. I even said to one midwife in day assessment that I’m hoping my consultant can organise a plan of action regarding movements. I know the almost daily hospital visits to be monitored if little one gets into a position that makes it impossible to palpate will wear me down further and cause more stress. After all, the ongoing problems with tracking movement almost constantly remind me that I’m in a very different situation to most pregnant people. 

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Five Items We’ve Discovered That Will Be A Lifesaver When Little One Arrives

No matter what anyone says, planning for your baby’s arrival is a tough job! There are so many products out there, and everyone has their own opinion of what you do (and don’t) need. For me, there are more products on the market that are entirely unsuitable for our needs than those which are. However, there are 5 items we’ve found which, for us, will be a lifesaver when the little one arrives and may even be helpful for you!

  1. Snugglebundl blanket

If there’s one thing I’ve been worried about, it’s transferring our little one without disturbing them once they’re here. Anyone who’s ever tried to move a newborn will know they wake up the second you do it, which is precisely what the Snugglebundl aims to eliminate! This genius swaddle blanket comes with handles to make it easier to lift your little one without disturbing them. You can use this blanket to transfer them from car seat to carrycot or pushchair whilst out and about (the blanket is crash-tested), or as a hammock to rock them in and to keep them securely wrapped up and warm. It’s a great thing to have on hand if recovering from a c-section or other post-birth difficulties. However, as a disabled mum who has frequent joint dislocations, the Snugglebundl is something I’ve realised that I need regardless of what birth I end up having. The Snugglebundl will be getting used from day one to pick our little one up and move them about when needed, especially as it’s specifically designed to reduce the strain on the body from all the picking up!

2. Ergobaby Omni 360 Baby Carrier

Until we found out about this baby carrier during a virtual baby show, I was worried over whether or not we’d ever find a suitable baby carrier for both Alex and I to use with our little one. We already know that there will be days where I won’t have the energy or strength to push both myself and little one in their pushchair, and not all situations will be suitable for taking the pushchair with us. Alex also prefers the idea of carrying little one instead of using the pushchair. We’ll also be travelling a lot, which means a baby carrier has become a necessity. The problem with most baby carriers, though, is that they don’t provide enough support for my joints, or worse, not even being able to get it on myself!

The Ergobaby Omni 360 isn’t only great in that you can both forward and rear face in the carrier, making it suitable for toddlers and babies alike, but you can also back as well as side carry in it. The Omni 360 also has lumbar support for the person carrying little one and a lot of padding on the straps for even more comfort, something important to both Alex and I as we’ll be using it for prolonged periods when travelling with little one. The carrier is that good ergonomically that it has been classed as a hip-healthy product. The carrier also comes in a mesh material option, something we chose over the cotton option as we know it will be heavily used in warmer climates. Another plus is that if you’re one for going on days out, the carrier also has a detachable pouch for storing things like your keys, money, and phone. The carrier also has a privacy hood with UV protection, and you’re able to breast/chestfeed without needing to remove little one from the carrier too!

3. Changing backpack With built-in cot and phone charger

Continuing on with accessories for when out and about or travelling, changing bags are of course a must. However, most of them look too mumsy and obvious, whereas I wanted a changing bag which both Alex and I could use, and could also go on the back of my chair if I’m the one carrying little one. So a quick search for changing backpacks on Amazon led to me finding this absolute beauty. I’d seen one similar on Instagram in an advert but didn’t like the cost of it, so to see this one on Amazon made me very happy. Not only does it have a big main compartment for a change of clothes, snacks etc. It also has a bottle pocket that can store three bottles, a phone charging port (need your own battery pack) and a pocket for baby wipes! The most significant function for me, however, is the inbuilt cot and changing mat. Not only does it mean we can change little one with privacy if out and about somewhere without changing facilities, but they can also nap in it when travelling during the day, or have a safe play area when travelling as well. The cot also features a sun canopy for protection on sunnier days or as a barrier against the wind if using it when outside. It’s important to note that the inbuilt cot isn’t suitable for overnight sleeping, however, so you’d still need a travel cot if going away. However, I still think it’s a great bag, and the dimensions of it when the cot isn’t in use means that if you’re flying with little one, the bag will go under the seat in front of you.

4. Benbat Portable Booster Seat

For me, the highchair situation has been one of the most stressful things to tick off because they just feel impossible to use, especially as I’m a wheelchair user who is unable to weight bear. However, there is another option which if Alex didn’t know existed, I would’ve never have found out about it! A portable booster seat has similar functions to a highchair but is lightweight, great for travel so you can feed little one anywhere, and can be placed wherever it’s needed. The one we’ve found is from Benbat, and whilst it won’t be suitable until little one can sit unaided, it will be an absolute lifesaver once they can use it. Another thing I like about the Benbat is that not only is it portable, it also comes with storage compartments to pop some of little one’s bits and bobs in. This is great, as you can forgo the changing bag and pop a change into the storage compartment of the booster seat instead if going out locally.

5. Elvie Catch

If you are breast/chestfeeding or expressing milk, suffer from leakage, and don’t want to spend loads on disposable pads or lose milk that’s produced, then the Elvie Catch is an excellent investment. Not only are these collection cups good for catching let-down or leaks from the other side when pumping, but the Catch is also wearable and slip-proof, meaning that you can wear them for up to three hours at a time without worrying about any leaks. In addition, each cup can collect up to 30ml of milk and is easy to clean by hand or dishwasher. I’ve already started having minor leaks, so I have been using this as an excuse to get used to wearing the cups, and I can honestly say that I haven’t had any problems with them slipping when going about my day, even when I have been pushing myself around in my wheelchair!

Have you found any products that have been a lifesaver for you with your little one? Share them with us below!

This post contains affiliate links. This means that we receive a percentage of the revenue made from purchasing products when you click on a link. This does not affect you as the consumer or the price of the product or service. It is also not a paid for promotion or a collaboration/advert.

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Waiting Until After The 20 Week Scan To Announce That You’re Expecting

If there’s one thing that some of you might be surprised by, it’s that we started this blog and our Instagram page to document our journey well before we had told all of our family. Believe it or not, as I’m writing this, some family members still don’t know that we are expecting our bundle of joy, bearing in mind that I’m almost 24 weeks pregnant!

We’ve had several things to overcome in terms of this pregnancy and life in general. Firstly, it didn’t feel right for us to announce our news right after our nuchal scan at 13 weeks because I’d lost my gran almost two weeks before my scan and her funeral wasn’t until three weeks after that! We’ve also had the covid restrictions to contend with, and there are certain family members we wanted to tell face to face because we know the news is likely to be hard on them.

We also have the ups and downs of a high-risk pregnancy to deal with. When you know that there’s a chance that there could be something wrong with your baby, or you have issues yourself from an early point, it can be challenging to get excited about expecting and wanting to tell everyone. Whilst most feel that after the first scan is a safe time to announce you’re expecting a little bundle of joy, we knew that it wouldn’t be until after that all-important anomaly scan that we’d feel ok about telling everyone.

Finally, we’ve just needed time to prepare ourselves for everyone’s reactions. If you’ve read our post on what you not to say to LGBTQIA+ parents, then you’ll know that we haven’t had the best responses to the pregnancy news. So getting back up and brushing ourselves off, ready to tell the following few people at a time, has been challenging because we’ve been worried about the responses, especially as ‘concerns’ over me being a disabled parent have been raised as well. Having said that, we’ve had more positive reactions to the news than negative, with some even questioning how we kept the news away from people for so long, despite going out and about as lockdown has eased, which brings me to my tips for those wanting to wait that little bit longer to tell people! 

Choose your clothes wisely! 

I was lucky that my bump is still small, to the point that even at 23 weeks, not everyone could tell I’m pregnant. However, I put this more down to my clothing choices. If you’re lucky enough like me to be approaching the 20-week mark in the spring or wintertime, then layers and baggy jumpers are your best friends. If you are trying to keep it secret for longer in the summer months, then patterned styles and long flowy dresses that don’t cling are your best bets. Avoid bodycon style dresses at all costs; even patterned ones can show a bump! 

Use accessories to hide your growing bump

This is a tip aimed more at those who are wheelchair users and one I’ve used a lot! Of course, having a bag on your lap can hide your growing bump, but for those who aren’t wheelchair users, even having a bag with a long shoulder strap so you can wear it in a crossbody style over your front will work. Long, flowy scarfs are also another good accessory to use, as they can break up an outfit and distract from your bump, as are long necklaces. 

I hope that gives you an insight into why we chose to keep our pregnancy news quiet for a while longer than most and how I managed it. If you’ve done similar, feel free to share your tips and advice in the comments for others to see! 

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